If one were to judge a country by the quality of its late night television, Australia would probably rank between Honduras and Iran. Holy hell it is terrible. There was female frontal nudity on network TV at 9pm though, so I guess that is supposed to make up for it.

I’ve been a bit busy with blog stuff the past couple days. Perhaps my desire to crush Rick Mercer (GO VOTE!) in the blog awards has driven me to be more productive. Anyway, if you click here or just click on the link in the About section over there to the right, you will be able to read my long awaited About page. I know you can barely contain your excitement. Sadly, the page may raise more questions than it answers.

In addition, my new music blog is also up! It’s called A Reminder and was something I’d been planning on for a while. I promise it is NOT a Radiohead blog, despite the current post. So if you’re into music, I would love it if you would leave comments there.

We had a Vancouver Day today, which means it rained. And it’s really raining now, so it sounds like home. I find the rain strangely comforting. OK, back to my hot chocolate and late night television programming.

So I actually don’t have any real lameness for a list this week, so I’ve got this instead. Amanda nominated me in some Canadian Blog Awards; she did this, of course, without telling me. Now I have no delusions about winning, but there is one thing that does make it a bit interesting. She nominated me in the Best Personal Blog category, as well as the Best New Blog category. Also in the running in the best new blog is none other than Rick Mercer, a man I think is hilarious. Most Canadians will know who he is, and if you are from another part of the world you are missing out on a truly funny individual. Anyways, I think it would be cool to beat him. No real reason other than for the rest of my life I can say, “I’m more popular than Rick Mercer.” Sooooooooo….

WHAT’S WEAK THIS WEEK

1. Sean Asking People to Vote for His Blog

So I’m in Best Personal and Best New blog categories. Just CLICK HERE and vote! You can vote once a day, so vote early and vote often. As they say.

LAMER THAN LAME.

Other than that, we’ve had some rather fun thunderstorms here in Sydney this weekend, which means no beach, but plenty of lightning watching.

Thank you for indulging me.

I used to envision the Pacific Rim in my head with the west coast of North America dominating the top right corner, the Pacific taking up the middle, with Japan and China over on the left. In the middle of the ocean Hawaii floated like a chunk of cracker in its oceanic soup. Living in Sydney has changed all that. On the news here, regional maps emphasize Southeast Asia and the South Pacific. It’s a bit odd to see, when I have a vision of the world with the northern hemisphere as the dominant sphere permanently burned in my brain. You know the map on Saturday Night Live’s ‘Weekend Update”? That’s how I saw it. And while I graduated from a school where over half the kids were of Asian descent, Vancouver’s ties to that continent always seemed to begin in my school and end at the airport.

While Vancouver’s Asian population may be higher (per capita), I now live in a country that is far more connected to Asia than I (stupidly) imagined. Trading partners, defense partners, and perhaps most prominently at an individual level, vacation spots. In Vancouver a popular getaway is the all-inclusive week in a Mexican resort town complete with cheap alcohol and expensive hangovers. For Australians the quick exotic getaway is often Bali or Thailand. The costs are cheap assuming you don’t enter or leave the country with bricks of heroin strapped to your chest.

The Bali Nine are nine young Australians who attempted to smuggle 8.3 kilos of heroin from Bali to Australia in April 2005. Five of them were arrested at the airport while the other four were arrested at a hotel in Denpasar. The troubling aspect of this case is that the Indonesian authorities were given the information that led to the arrests by the Australian Federal Police. Rather than wait to arrest them on Australian soil, the AFP let the Indonesian authorities handle it knowing full well the consequences of a conviction in Bali. The nine are currently standing trial and if convicted face the death penalty. The youngest is just 18 years old.

Schapelle Corby is a 29-year-old former beauty student from Queensland. In October 2004, Corby was arrested upon her arrival in Bali and was found to have 4.1 kilos of pot in her boogie board bag. She alleged that she was an unwitting drug mule and that the drugs were planted in her bag. There have been reports of baggage handlers at Sydney’s airport leading a drug smuggling ring. On the day of her flight, a large shipment of cocaine was smuggled through the airport by baggage handlers. Regardless of her defense, she was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison, the event being televised live on Australian television and triggering discussions, arguments, and pleas all around the nation. Her sentence has since been reduced to 15 years.

And don’t worry Michelle, I certainly have not forgotten you. On Monday, Australian model Michelle Leslie was released from prison in Bali after being arrested for possession of two ecstasy tablets three months ago. Police found the pills in her bag that Leslie claimed were given to her by her friend Mia. Mia then went MIA, and has not been seen. Does she even exist? Making the arrest even more fun are the rumours that at the time of her arrest Leslie was with the sons of two very prominent Indonesian officials. Leslie claimed an addiction, and this would prove to save her as a report from a Sydney doctor corroborated her dependence on prescription drugs. She was convicted of using a controlled substance, but was released for having already served three months in prison. During her stay in prison she suddenly claimed to be a Muslim and began wearing a hijab. Media stunt? Means of keeping the cameras out of face? All we know is that when she was released this week, she was wearing a tight tank top and no hijab.

Finally we have Nguyen Tuong Van, a 26-year-old Vietnamese-Australian who was arrested for drug trafficking in Singapore on his way home from Cambodia in 2002. Despite having been on trial and convicted over the course of the past few years, Van’s case is only now making prominent news here in Australia. Van had no previous record and was allegedly only trying to bring the heroin in to Australia pay off debts his twin brother had accumulated. He faces a firing squad in two weeks. Attempts by the Australian government for clemency have gone ignored by Singapore officials.

These incidents only leave me filled with questions. Was the Australian government acting in the right by allowing nine citizens to be arrested in Bali to face the death penalty when they could have been arrested here and faced a more humane punishment? What possesses a young person to take such a risk? What if someone did plant something in Corby’s bag? Would we care as much about Leslie if she weren’t an attractive young woman? If he were white or an attractive model, would Van’s case have had more exposure?

WHAT’S WEAK THIS WEEK

1. Trying to get a cab at 2am on a Saturday night on George Street in Sydney

When you’re not avoiding being run-over by speeding jackasses with those “cool” Aussie mullets blasting “Sandstorm” by Da Rude in their crappy little import cars, you are avoiding puddles of vomit on the sidewalk. And of course, all the cabs are full already. The one bonus is when you get to see a girl in a car honk at the police vehicle in front of her and watch the cop get out of his truck looking pissed off and slowly marching back to her door. I hope she wet herself.

But yes….trying to get a cab….

LAME

2. U2

Stadium gigs? My girl is not happy.

In the LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME of love……

3. Today’s hangover

I didn’t feel sick at all, but no energy. Also led to me not cooking a very good meal tonight.

Lame for making me lame all day today.

On the ladder of sport popularity in Australia, soccer/football is just above gymnastics and just below lawn bowling. Until a few nights ago, that is, when Australia managed to secure a spot in the 2006 FIFA World Cup to be held in Germany by defeating Uruguay. Based on the news coverage and the papers the following day you’d have thought that Australia had won the World Cup already. I don’t think a nation has been this eager to send a group of young men into Germany since the Soviet Union in 1944.

It has been pointed out to me that had Australia not qualified no one would have really cared or even noticed. But, after losing the first leg 1-0 in Montevideo, the Australian team returned to Sydney in preparation for the second leg amidst much media coverage. In order to qualify Australia had to win by two goals. They managed one after full-time forcing 30 minutes of extra-time which solved nothing. So the dreaded penalty kick would determine which team would begin preparing for the World Cup.

As both a Canadian hockey fan and a supporter of England football at the international level, I have never been fond of the shootout. Penalty kicks have been the end of numerous England sides in the past decade or so, and Canada had a rough go with shootouts in the 90s versus various teams. (I’m looking at you Sweden.) Based on my history, I naturally thought Australia would lose on kicks. Uruguay were terrible through most of the game, which I assumed to be largely due to jetlag. In my mind, penalty kicks would eliminate this advantage for Australia, as even the most fatigued individual would have enough adrenalin pumping to see them through a single kick.

But what turned out to be the difference was the Australian keeper, Mark Schwarzer, who made two saves against the Uruguayans (fun to say!), the second being an amazing dive to his left. Australia did not choke, and buried 4 kicks securing their spot in the World Cup. The last time the Australians competed in the finals? 1974. The party was on. In a moment of complete randomness, the team was dancing and singing “You’re the One That I Want” with John Travolta in the locker-room after the victory. Needless to say, there was a lot of pent up energy that was released around the nation Wednesday night.

Canada has competed only once in the World Cup, that coming in 1986, and I wonder what the reaction at home would be to a qualification. Certainly more subdued than the outpouring of joy here in Australia. Just three days after the win, today’s Sydney Morning Herald, has a front page blurb containing the following:

Germany Here We Come: How to Get World Cup Tickets

Amidst all this exuberant jubilation, however, I’ve got a bone to pick with the Australian national soccer team. Why on earth must you be saddled with the nickname, Socceroos. I swear to you, I am not making this up. They call them the Socceroos. In fact, on the whole, Australian sports teams have nicknames ranging from weak (physically) to weak (lame).

The AFL team in Sydney? The Swans. Ooooooooh watch out! The SWANS are coming! At least Anaheim had the decency to stick a Mighty in front of Ducks.

Adelaide? The Crows! They will peck you to death!

The Australian national rubgy union team is called the Wallabies. They will cute you to death!

So watch out for the Socceroos in the 2006 World Cup. I am desperately hoping for a draw including England in their pool. That game would really create some drama in this nation. Meanwhile, Germany awaits the Australian invasion of 2006. Complete with inflatable kangaroos.

I awoke this morning to sunshine and temperatures in the upper 20s. I have plans to walk from Coogee to Bondi along the cliffs this week, so I debated whether today should be the day I trek out along the Pacific coast. I checked the forecast which indicated there was a decent chance of some showers sometime this afternoon, so I decided to stay home. I’d rather not be caught halfway along the path in the rain.

Five hours later and I just heard something crash next door as a storm has moved in.

In the time since I got up, the temperature has dropped about ten degrees celsius, there has been thunder and lightning, rain and windwindwind. Back home in Vancouver the weather can change quickly, but not like here. In Sydney it seems that it can go from beach weather to tie-the-trampoline-down weather in mere hours. And I mention the trampoline because our neighbours across the alley did not fasten their’s down and it blew up against the fence on its side. It’s still there now.

While Vancouver gets its share of rain (along with the shares of a lot of other places), Sydney is subtropical, so when it rains here, it can just pour with raindrops can be the size of teacups. And while I’m used to rain, the winds in Sydney really do shape life here. When the winds shift from the northeast to the famed southerlies (as I think they did today) the temperature can change incredibly quickly. The southerlies bring cool air from Antarctica and as such they are my new favourite wind as I am having trouble coping with the heat. And summer does not start for another few weeks. But that is another story.

As the weather was changing this afternoon, you could actually see it happening. The high innocent cumulous clouds were moving in from the north this morning. Then looking out the kitchen window an hour later, a grey blanket of clouds was moving very quickly from the southeast and with them…the wind, rain, thunder, and lightning. As I look out the window right now the trees are currently struggling to remain vertical like someone after one too many drinks at a wedding.

The thunder here is great though. We don’t get too many thunderstorms in the Pacific Northwest; in fact, I think I’ve heard more thunder here in the past two and a half months than I had in the previous few years back in B.C. A few weeks ago we had a storm move through Sydney in the middle of the night. The thunder not only woke me up, but actually shook me out of bed. Flashes of lightning were blazing through the shutters while I lay in bed counting the seconds between lightning crashes and thunderclaps.

So while the wind may be howling now, I’m sure if I wait another hour beach weather will be back. Or at the very least, trampoline weather.

WHAT’S WEAK THIS WEEK:

1. The Sun

Sure you heat the Earth and keep us all alive. But you also burned me this week. On the face. And it’s not pretty. What have you done for me lately?

PAINFUL LAME!!!

2. The Roaches

Seriously…how the bloody hell are you getting in here? You really don’t like the gas attacks though do you? Well start tellin your buddies!!!!! This is a House of Death for you now.

GO
AWAY
!

LAME! So very very LAAAAME.

3. That Seagull In Manly

I still haven’t forgotten about you. We have a date with Destiny. And that’s a capital D so you know it’s gonna be huge.

Lame.

Yes, like being hit with a well-thrown softball. That is the answer to a question I didn’t think I would ever truly know the answer to. The question you ask?

What does it feel like to have a seagull divebomb you and slam into your shoulder?

Manly is a short ferry ride away from Circular Quay in Sydney. My three visiting Canadian friends and I ventured over to Manly on Monday despite the fact that it was cloudy and cool out. I love days like that! Oh how I miss their regularity! After an enjoyable half hour ferry ride on Sydney Harbour (I really do love the trip to Manly) we got off at the wharf, resisted immediate temptation at The Bald Man, and proceeded down whatever that pedestrian mall thing is in Manly. I stopped at Hungry Jack’s (Burger King to the rest of the world) to grab some food as I was starving. We decided to go sit on the stairs at Manly Beach while I ate my Whopper.

Mistake.

Shortly after our appearance on the stairs, the seagulls took a slightly overzealous interest in our being there. Now as I was the only one with food, I can say without any sense of hubris that it was me they had their beady little eyes on. All was going well until…

I was mid-bite. There was burger in my mouth, my hand holding that tasty, greasy feast to my eager lips.

Then….suddenly……BAM! I was hit! My shoulder!

*Cue slowmotion and sad, yet uplifting, orchestral swell*

I only caught a glimpse of a white blur out of the corner of my right eye as my shoulder tensed suddenly, bracing itself against the brutish attack from the skies. I jerked to my left towards Audrey, who had front row seats for viewing the half-masticated, airborne chunk of ground beef flying from my mouth.

It was over as fast as it had began. I was left to take stock of the situation while my three companions began to laugh. Loudly and cruelly. There were many “Oh my Gods!” and “A seagull flew into you!!”

Good times. Now, as I was still hungry, I had managed to hold on to my burger during the blitz, so I went on eating. While the beast may have lunged for my lunch, it was foiled by my cat-like reflexes.

Sean – 1
Seagull – 0

It was only later on that I began to wonder. While I may have held onto the burger, that doesn’t mean the filthy bird hadn’t touched it. And I ate it. I’m fairly sure Bird Flu does not transmit itself in such ways. Still, a dirty seagull burger was ingested. Yummy.

Sean – 1
Seagull – 1

My shoulder and neck ached for the rest of the day.

Sean – 1
Seagull – 2

I only wish it had been caught on video:

Man vs Nature in the eternal struggle of subsistence. What a Hungy Jack’s commercial it could be!

Sadly, that was only the middle of three attacks I suffered over the course of two days. I was also victimized by a dangerously carbonated can of Diet Coke (there may be a lawsuit in that one) and a boy of about five years of age who waited until I turned (at the behest of my girlfriend I may add) to look at him to violently push a burp out in my face at close range. His parents were not pleased.

We had a laugh.

But yes, in case you are ever wondering:

It feels like being hit with a well-thrown softball.

WHAT’S WEAK THIS WEEK

1. Parking in Sydney and surrounding areas

Holy hell. Seriously. First off, parking is so expensive here. Secondly, it’s hard to find.

And then today at Bondi…Amanda, Christin, Jen, and Audrey waited in the car while I went to pay for parking with a $50 bill. When you charge $15 bucks to park for 2 hours, your machine should damn well accept $50 dollar bills. It didn’t. So back down I go to the car. To get there, I had to take an elevator. I waited for it for ages, and while waiting I was serenaded by a Christian youth singing group, singing terrible “God Loves Me” songs. Needless to say, that elevator seemed to take ages. Finally I get back down to the car to get a smaller bill. Back up the elevator. Then I learn the machine is broken and is not accepting bills of any kind. So I then pay with a credit card, and stomp back down to the car.

I hate parking here.

LAAAAAME

2. Men in Speedos

Lame.

3. The Notebook

That movie was terrible. So incredibly bad. For everyone that told me to watch it, I will never trust any recommendations you make ever again. About anything. Not even toilet paper.

LAMELAMELAMELAME

There are very few events in any given country that will literally stop the nation. In order for a country to come to a stand-still (barring a catastrophe), a certain shared history and culture must be coalescing in a single moment that most of the population can find some way to relate to it and participate within it. Back home the only thing I can think of would be a gold medal hockey game. But even that I don’t think compares to what happened yesterday here in Australia.

I had not heard of the Melbourne Cup until last week when some traveling friends of mine from Canada announced that they would be leaving Sydney early in order to go to “the Cup” in Melbourne. I had no idea what they were talking about, but when I mentioned it to that Aussie I live with, she got a bit excited. I quickly learned that the Melbourne Cup is quite a big deal here. To say the least. And what is it?

A horse race. It lasts all of a minute. And you cannot escape it.

The television coverage started sometime early last week. News updates, news articles, sports updates, weather…you name it, somehow it was related to the Melbourne Cup. Bombs in India took a backseat to the health of the favourite, Makybe Diva. When the track at Flemington (where the race took place) was watered, it made the news. I was shocked. Not so much that a sporting event was such a big deal here (it must be said that Australia is one sporty nation), but that I had never even heard of the Melbourne Cup before. And I consider myself to be a fairly with it person when it comes to world events and sports. Hell, I even grew up in an equestrian family and my father is an agricultural vet who works with animals being transported abroad! Yet this massive event had escaped me until yesterday.

I watched the race yesterday from the staff room of a school where teachers had gathered to watch, gamble, and drink champagne. At 3pm! The final bell had just gone! And I am sure this happened in schools, offices, hospitals, fire halls, and shops all around Australia. Before making it to the school, a friend and I stopped off at a TAB. TABs are little places you can place bets on horse races, and I presume, other events. An hour before the race this place was packed. I didn’t place a bet as all the coloured numbers, flickering televisions, and frantic punters intimidated me. Plus I had little cash on me.

In Canada, gambling is not very common. People buy their lottery tickets, maybe play SportsAction, or test their luck with Keno at the bar. Most Canadians would have no idea how to gamble like the average Australian can. On the 6 O’Clock news the night before the race the anchor was spewing out numbers and odds (“Makybe Diva paying three sixty, Leica Falcon at blah blah blah”) and I gather a good number of Austrlians knew what this meant. She may as well have been speaking in tongues to me.

In addition to the race itself, the parties that surround it are just as important it seems. Traditionally women dress up in fancy dresses and hats, some of which are ridiculously large. The fashion portion of the Melbourne Cup continues tomorrow with Oakes Day. I don’t even know what that is yet. I think some sort of fashion show. Then, I think, the Melbourne Cup will be over for another year and I will begin waiting for the next cultural suprise this country has waiting for me around the corner.

The Melbourne Cup: The Kentucky Derby of horse races

—————–

In unrelated news, Amanda was attacked by a cockroach last night while we watched a movie. Much poison gassing ensued. A peace treaty may be required.