It’s been an amazing four years here in Sydney. While the city has its flaws it really has become a second hometown to me. And I think it always will be. Spending four years getting to know Australia has been an invaluable experience that I will always fondly look back on…no matter where we end up.

Goodbye all.

I Watch A Movie Underneath Roosting Bats!
We got there late so we had to sit up the back. Under a tree. Never a good idea in Australia. Amanda watched the entire film convinced a spider was going to drop on her. Bats were roosting in the branches just a couple metres above our heads and they never sat still…so little bits of things were falling on us. I tell myself it was bits of leaves and branches. But it may have been bat crap. It was pretty bizarre to be watching a film and have a bat flutter in front of the screen.

I Am Embarrassed For All Australians!
The laughter, however, was mostly directed at the worst haircuts driving/passengering in the cars. These were mullets to DIE for, some dripping with hair product. Now presumably this little car show is an effort to impress the ladeez, but there were no women around: the cars were all full of young men. Cars full of guys wearing pink shirts and primping like a peacock; yet most of these guys looked like the type that still use the word ‘fag’ as a derogatory term.

I See A Massive Python In The Wild!
I think I was laughing in disbelief the whole time. And then laughed again when my Dad, who was raised in Panama, said something along the lines of “It’s too bad there weren’t any forked sticks around, I would have picked it up and shown those kids.” My Dad, Captain Panama. HE WANTED TO PUT ON A WILDLIFE SHOW FOR THE KIDS.

I Finally See A Kangaroo!
I’ve often mentioned here that anytime I’m more than an hour outside of Sydney I’m constantly looking for kangaroos. Live ones. I’ve seen the dead ones on the side of the Hume Highway, but I wanted the real thing. Lifeless corpses lack a little punch when you’re speeding past them at 110 km/h.

I Contemplate The “Discoveries” Of Australia And Canada
Whether that makes any sense or not what is abundantly clear is that the stories Australians and Canadians tell themselves have made deep impressions on our collective psyches. Both countries emerged from confused beginnings to cut their teeth in a war that was not on their doorstep. While Canadians have a victory to commemorate, Australians have proven that even a tragic debacle can create meaning for a nation. And whether it was the Portuguese or the British, or whether it was the Vikings or Columbus, we will probably choose the story that is easier to tell.

I Still Sound Canadian!
But every now and then the Australian lingo I’ve picked up and my complete lack of an Australian accent come together in what can only be described as a Linguistic Train Wreck. Recently I used the term “mate” (as in “Sounds good, mate.”) with a friend and it was later pointed out to me that it sounded really bizarre.

I Protest APEC!
The protest itself was, as many of these types of demos seem to be since the invasion of Iraq, a bit of a mess as far as focus goes. Some people were there to bring attention to climate change, others were there opposing the occupation of Iraq, while others seemed to be more concerned about protesting the fact that the protest route had been moved and that there was a massive police presence (which there was). Protests shouldn’t be self-referential.

I Realize We Are All The Same!
Like any great piece of writing – whether fiction or non-fiction – Underground succeeded because it made me examine myself. With the hard-working, obedient, Japanese stereotype firmly ingrained in my head I began the book wondering things like, “Why the hell do you do get on the same car of the train every day?” and “Why would you spend so long commuting every day?” It didn’t take long before I realized I do the exact same thing. Each day I get on the second car of the train for the same reason many of the interviewees do: because it’s closest to the exit/stairs of the station when I get off the train. And each day I spend just as long getting to work.

I Liveblog A Canada/Australia Rugby World Cup Match!
11:00 KICKOFF: AMAZING. Canada has a player called Snow and another called Daypuck. DAYPUCK!
11:01: Canada’s “packweight” is less than Australia’s.
11:02: And Canada’s down 3-0.

I Don’t Listen To Myself!
As a bit of an Ocean Geek I was thrilled (THRILLED!) to see that Manly Beach was covered with Bluebottles that had washed up on the beach. At first I didn’t know what I was seeing so I enthusiastically scampered over to the creatures in my bare feet. Once I was standing over them I instantly thought two things:
1. These are probably Bluebottles and, therefore, painful.
2. I AM SUCH A MORON WHY DID I RUN UP TO THESE IN MY BARE FEET I WRITE ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS THIS PLACE IS ALL THE TIME IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT.

I Get Angry With Australia’s Refugee Policies!
But occasionally I really, really, find it hard to be a polite guest as every now and then my host says or does something that I vehemently disagree with. What am I supposed to do? Speak up? Criticize my host in their own home? As an outsider, do I have any right to criticize a country that has taken me in? Or should I sit quietly in the corner, nodding politely, pretending that everything is all lollipops and rainbows?

I Attend A Test Cricket Match!
Another pastime is the wave. It works on much the same principal at a cricket match as it does at a hockey game. When the wave hits your section, you get up, wave your hands, and scream. But there is one amazing difference in the wave at the cricket: when the wave gets to the Members Stand THE SNOBS DO NOT PARTICIPATE. They do not get up, they do not wave their hands like they just don’t care, they do not scream. That is beneath them. Of course, the entire cricket ground knows this, so even before the wave reaches the Members Stand, the rest of the crowd boos the hell out of them. I’d never been so proud to be a member of the proletariat. It was truly a sight to behold.

I Contemplate Australia Day!
Despite all the hatred for the poms, on Australia Day Australians celebrate, with great fervour, the arrival on this unforgiving continent of a bunch of Englishmen so despicable to their homeland that they had to be sent to the other side of the world as punishment. Australians, apparently, love their colonial shackles.

I Fight Another Spider!
If you’re in my house, you’re fair game.

I’m Convinced Someone Is Trying To Kill Me!
So not only are the animals trying to kill me here but fires and explosions also seem oddly attracted to me in the southern hemisphere. What chance does this poor Canadian stand?

I Drive The Great Ocean Road!
Victoria is a beautiful place.

I Document My Love For The Hume Highway!
“What delights lay beyond Holbrook?” I wondered as we continued southeast through New South Wales. Would Wodonga turn out to be the Paris of the southern hemisphere? Would Bowser have a Super Mario themepark? I drove on, eyes wide like a kid at Christmas, enraptured by what I might encounter next.

I Go To Goulburn And See Giant Sheep Balls!
There are Big Things in Australia. In Goulburn (one of the glorious bustling cities along the Hume) they have the Big Merino. It’s even anatomically accurate. In the gift shop attached to the sheep’s right flank we overheard a woman say to a man (with absolutely no irony), “You can climb those stairs and get right up inside the sheep.”

I Get Comforted By Econoline Crush!
But I’m back and things have not worked out like that. Things change. Some for the better, some for the worse. I still find things to take comfort in, however. On my second day back home, when I was feeling particularly stuck between Vancouver and Sydney, I was in the car listening to the 99.3 The Fox and Econoline Crush’s All That You Are came on the radio. It’s very comforting to know that some things never, ever change.

I Heart Wombats!
As we departed the Hume Highway we made our way to Bundanoon on a road that I’m pretty sure was called The Perfect Place to Dump the Body Highway. It was pitch black. The road was curvy. The speed limit was a death-begging 100kmh an hour (a narrow two lane country road!). And then all of a sudden, there were two cars behind us, and a few cars coming toward us (and they didn’t always get their high beams off quickly).

But they did.

I Win Money Gambling On A Sport I Do Not Understand Or Enjoy!
People at work were not happy with me for a couple reasons. First, I obviously know nothing about the sport. In fact, I find it really dull. The Grand Final just wrapped up a little while ago and I didn’t watch a single second; I probably saw 15 minutes of game play the entire season. Second, I was tipping the last few weeks via email while I was on vacation in Vancouver; a Canadian beat them….FROM CANADA.

I Call Australians Fat And Lazy!
I’ve noticed that a rather high percentage of Australians when confronted with an escalator will simply board the device and then proceed to stand there immobile. Even if they are blocking others. I don’t think it’s so much a matter of rudeness as it is of laziness. Seriously, I get so frustrated whenever I’m on an escalator.

I Miss A White Christmas!
The only “white” Christmas around here is the unrelenting, blazing glare of a sun that feels as though it is just a few metres over your head.

I Spend The Better Part Of An Evening Trying To Capture A Bird In Our Apartment!
Armed with a broom and an umbrella, I at first attempted to shepherd the bird out the open window it trespassed through. I even opened a second window and rolled the blinds so as to cover the glass part of the windows. My kindness dissipated quickly as it became apparent that this was one of Earth dumbest birds. Instead of even going near the window the bird thought the ceiling was the way out. Idiot.

I Am Nearly Eaten By A Shark On The Gold Coast!
On our first afternoon on the beach I was body surfing (fairly well, I might add) in the warm Pacific water. Amanda was sitting up on the beach watching. At one point I came out of a wave and looked to my right and saw, much to my terror, a grey shape about two metres long in a breaking wave about 15 metres away. There was a fin protruding from the wave. After writing about shark attacks here for the past few years, my bloody, ironic death flashed before my eyes.

I See The World’s Largest Insect On My Front Door!
Insects that large should only exist in zoos and nature programs not on my door. I’ve seen smaller cats and dogs.

I See A Man Wearing A Snake As Clothing!
A live snake coiled around his neck as if it was a scarf. What. The Hell.

After Four Years I Finally Discover TeeVee Snacks!
Apparently I’ve been casually bypassing them in Coles for the past four years. MY LOSS.

I See Whales!
Amanda and I drove over to South Head today in the hopes of seeing some of the Humpback whales that are currently heading north along Australia’s east coast. We spotted numerous fountains of water from various blowholes before we finally saw, way out there, a spray followed by a small little breach of a whale.

Volume One is here.

I Get Freaked Out By The Australian Museum!
As I crossed Elizabeth Street and looked back into the park I am pretty sure I saw a pack of tourists running from a giant crocodile only to be taken down by the world’s deadliest spider and a few agitated snakes. Maybe that was just my mind though.

I Battle A Cockroach For The First Time!
From here details become a bit sketchy as the field reports are contradictory. I claim I quietly yelped and moved myself into the living room. Amanda recalls a scream and a flash as I shot out of the kitchen as if shot from gun. Believe what you will.

I Discover The Melbourne Cup and Australia’s Penchant For Gambling!
I watched the race yesterday from the staff room of a school where teachers had gathered to watch, gamble, and drink champagne. At 3pm! The final bell had just gone!

I Get Attacked By A Seagull in Manly!
I only caught a glimpse of a white blur out of the corner of my right eye as my shoulder tensed suddenly, bracing itself against the brutish attack from the skies. I jerked to my left toward Audrey, who had front row seats for viewing the half-masticated, airborne chunk of ground beef flying from my mouth.

I Ponder Australian Drug Traffickers!
Was the Australian government acting in the right by allowing nine citizens to be arrested in Bali to face the death penalty when they could have been arrested here and faced a more humane punishment? What possesses a young person to take such a risk? What if someone did plant something in Corby’s bag? Would we care as much about Leslie if she weren’t an attractive young woman? If he were white or an attractive model, would Van’s case have had more exposure?

I Am Comforted By Noise!
While I still can’t watch Hockey Night in Canada, the simple sounds of the game on internet radio bring a tiny part of Canada here to Sydney. Now, as I turn off my laptop and crawl back into bed, I hear the rain pounding against the window and I feel totally at home. It sounds like Vancouver outside, I’ve got the blanket pulled up to my chin, and the Canucks play tomorrow. Now if only I could find some decent syrup.

I Worry About Shooting My Mouth Off About The Cronulla Riots!
As a foreigner in a new country I sometimes struggle with when I can open my mouth about things I see going on around me. Do I have any right to voice a critical opinion about events in a country that has allowed me to stay here for a year? How would I feel if someone started making comments about Canada just after arriving?

I Get Excited About A Canadian On Australian TV!
Home is on the TV! Names I recognize! Struggling Canadian actors! Mountains!

I Contemplate Taking Up Smoking To Cool Down And Make Friends!
Later that evening, I went outside to the mailbox. It was the most blissful five minutes of my entire day. The heat had disappeared replaced with a coolish evening breeze and a beautiful twilight. Perfect weather for a smoke. As I returned to the stagnant heat of my apartment I realized that if I was a smoker I could go outside anytime I want, have a cigarette, cool down and return refreshed and be befriended by my neighbours. I’ve looked at my other choices but none seem to cover all the bases like taking up smoking does.

I Establish A Peace Treaty With The Bugs!
In order to promote co-operation and to achieve peace and security by the acceptance of obligations not to resort to further strife by the prescription of open, just, and honourable relations between we, the people, and you, the roaches by the firm establishment of the understandings of international law as the actual rule of conduct in The Apartment and by the maintenance of justice and a scrupulous respect for all treaty obligations in the dealings of organised peoples with one another Agree to this Covenant of The Apartment.

I Attempt To Watch The Winter Olympics on Australian TV!
One thing that certainly does provide a little comfort is that the Australian commentators have wonderful turns of phrase (much like Mr. Williams!). Tonight during the men’s luge finals I overheard from the kitchen, “He’s a quiet man, but he speaks loudly with his sled.”

I Learn About The Futility Of Shark Nets!
As far as I’m concerned, if you are worried about being eaten by a shark, don’t go swimming in Australia. And if you are worried and you still want to swim, just take your fatter, slower-swimming friend with you. That’s my plan for Saturday.

I Discover Another Sans Souci!
Just how silenced is this figure? Wikipedia has NOTHING. A google search for his name returns ONE result, and it is the review I posted above. Googling my name returns more results. Sans Souci was a leader of the only successful slave rebellion in the Western Hemisphere that helped establish Haiti as a free-republic. I write a blog.

I Watch Lawn Bowls On Television!
I don’t know how you spent your afternoon, but I watched women’s lawn bowls LIVE from the Melbourne Commonwealth Games which kicked off last night. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time (mostly in disbelief).

I Try To Find Replacements For My Friends!
Since Replacement Quinn I’ve noticed other Replacements in and around Sydney. Seldom are they my oldest friends. The Replacements seem only interested in people I’ve met in the last five years or so of my life. I’m not sure why…maybe because I know so much more about Curtis, CJ, Amanda, Eli, and Jack that their Replacements are simply not up to the task.

I Educate Myself Before Going Hiking In The Bush!
The death adders are a group of three or five species of snakes native to the Australian continent. They are some of the most poisonous snakes in the world… Along with superb camouflage, this renders them nearly invisible to both predator and prey alike. And people freak out about bears in Canada. At least you can SEE the bear when it eats you.

I List My Favourite Australians!
Shane Warne: A tremendous cricket player. An incredible bowler. An icon. A man who can’t keep it in his pants. In the time it took you to read this entry, Shane Warne slept with 4 women.

I Lose Sleep During The World Cup!
I don’t know about you but when my alarm goes off at 4:56am I’m not in the best frame of mind to be making any sort of decision. Turns out that depsite the fact that the Sean of two hours earlier really did want to watch the Argentina v. Mexico game, the mostly asleep Sean of 4:56am did not.

I Recap The Craziest 46 Hours In Los Angeles!
19.00: Depart once again for the Greek Theatre and Radiohead. Much the same but with more celebrities.
20.30: It’s Gavin and Gwen! Leonardo DiCaprio! Tobey again!
22.00: Much better show tonight.
23.30: Peg and Pete drop us off at Lissa and Juston’s. Say goodbye. Visit/chat with Lissa and Juston. Til 02.30.
02.30: Decide two hours sleep isn’t really worth it, but crumple to sleep anyway.

I Battle A Huntsman For A Couple Days!
After 24 hours the situation here in Glebe is just as dire as it was yesterday. The stalemate has continued with neither side making any progress forward. The Spider has retreated about 18 inches back from the front but he’s still there. Still disgusting. Still waiting to pounce. It seems the OttoSean Empire has constructed some sort of poor man’s Maginot Line: a towel was placed at the base of the door to prevent any incursions into OttoSean-Controlled Area; there have also been reports that chemical weapons were brought up to the front. The situation is in fact escalating and it’s only a matter of time before one of the two sides does something incredibly rash.

I Play In A Massive Hail Storm!
Sydney weather forecasters suck which means I was unprepared for a pretty interesting afternoon today. How they didn’t see this storm coming I have no idea. At about four this afternoon the temperature dropped nine degrees in half an hour and I sat inside and watched the craziest hail storm I’ve ever seen.

I Remind Myself Why Living Abroad Is So Great!
I guess I thought living abroad would always be about the big differences between the culture of your home and the culture of your adopted home. But I find that these little, pretty much insignificant, observations are what seem to make up the bulk of my acculturation. So while I may never truly understand the world the way an Australian does, I do think collecting all the little pieces, the pieces most Australians wouldn’t even notice, and putting them together will allow me to understand this new world.

I Contemplate The Canadian Flag!
Canadian backpackers, it’s time to let the flag go. If you want people to think you’re nice, act nice. If you’re afraid of being mistaken for an American, get over it. And if you must wave a flag around make it a subtle, quiet one. After all, what could be more Canadian than that?

I Become An Australian Resident!
Australia friggin’ loves me and wants me to stay. Today I was granted my temporary resident spouse visa! So now I don’t have to worry about any silly work restrictions and I can enroll in Medicare. This medicare thing is a major bonus as just this week I’ve managed to stab myself in the hand with our kitchen floor, get stung by something (maybe a bit of dead jellyfish???) on the bottom of my foot while walking on Bondi Beach, AND went jogging for the first time ever which nearly caused a massive coronary.

I Spend A Year In Books!
I’ve also made an effort to read Australian writers and have so far enjoyed Markus Zusak and Tim Winton (as well as Peter Carey, but I had already read a novel of his prior to moving here). At the same time I’ve also made an effort to read Canadian writers in an attempt to stay culturally in-tune with the homeland. So out of the stack of books I brought with me I’ve read Nancy Lee (who lives in Richmond where I grew up), Timothy Findley, and Rohinton Mistry (adopted Canadian). I had hoped some sort of grand thesis regarding colonial literature would jump out at me, but, sadly, nothing of the sort has happened yet.

I Need Supplies!
I’m not sure about other expats, but everytime I’m home I stock up on things I can’t get here. Most of the things are basics which makes it all the more surprising that they don’t exist here. Crest, for instance. I’ve never had a real cavity so I’m quite superstitious about my toothpaste (probably the pitcher in me). I’ve never had a cavity using Crest all my life, why would I change how? I remember being in Vienna when I learned that Crest was more or less North American. I was not a happy camper. Colgate is for chumps.

I Marvel At Australian Slang!
Despite their overwhelming passion for ending any word in –ies, Australians for some reason will have no idea what you’re talking about if you offer them a freezie. Instead you will have to offer them an ice-block or an icy-pole. This is why I love dialects so much. Why on earth would you use a term like ice-block when there’s a perfectly wonderful –ies ending for you to incorporate into Australianese?

I Attend A Memorable Christmas Party!
You know you’re in for a long night when you cross a street called Cowpasture Road and then continue to drive for another 30 minutes. I’m pretty sure we even passed a sign that said ‘Middle of Nowhere.’

I Search For The Ground Beneath My Feet!
But since moving to Sydney a year and a half ago I do sometimes feel as though the ground beneath my feet isn’t as solid as I once thought it was. So while I walk on Sydney’s streets, I find myself selfishly wishing that the ground back in Canada stays exactly the same: I’ve become something I hate – a cultural conservative longing for things to remain exactly as they were when I left Vancouver in August 2005. Is it really too much to ask that none of my friends do anything fun while I’m gone?

I Fall In Love With Cricket!
2. I love that a sport exists that has a ‘lunch break’ a ‘drinks break’ and a ‘tea break.’
3. The annoyance in Amanda’s voice when I call it a ‘homerun’ to which she replies, “It’s called a six!”

I Go To A Hindu Wedding!
So our table was completely seated with people not of Hindu culture but the MC of the whole wedding would come on the mic every now and then and let us outsiders know what was going on. We took to calling him Richie after legendary cricket commentator Richie Benaud since he provided such nice commentary. He even cracked a couple jokes that pretty much only our table seemed to appreciate:
“Tables 15, 22, 29, 38, and 44 will be going to the buffet first. And I assure you, my wife is not at any of those tables.” Richie you’re killin’ me! But he saved his best for later… “Just to update you on the dinner situation. There has been an incident as some curry pots have gone missing. Just joking, dinner is only slightly delayed.” COMEDY GOLD

Volume 2 is here.

*Sorry for the randomness of this post and the Joe Hockey post. Trying to clear the decks of my aged drafts before Monday morning.

1. Enjoy Your Anonymity While It Lasts.

10. Write.

Last week, after months and months of waiting, I officially became a Permanent Resident of Australia. Yay! It doesn’t really change my day-to-day life all that much at the moment but it does allow me to come and go without any restrictions (more or less). Immigration took ages longer than they said they would granting the visa and it was really starting to stress me out. Not because I was worried I’d get knocked back but because…

Amanda and I are moving to Vancouver next week. We’d been thinking about it for ages but over the past six months or so we really got ourselves organized. When we sent in Amanda’s Canadian visa application my Australian residency application had been in the mail for ages and we assumed I’d be made a permanent resident long before we made any official decision. Turns out, my visa arrived about 12 days before our departure date. Cutting it a little close!

We love that we have options now. We’re both permanent residents of the other’s home country and if we decide to move back to Sydney, we can (at least that’s how I read my visa restrictions!).

Anyway, it’s been an exciting, stressful few months but on Monday we head off to Vancouver for a new adventure. I’m really not sure what’s going to happen with this blog. It will likely continue to gather cobwebs. I’ve got a few more posts planned for this week (time permitting) but after that Notes may go dark, permanently.

I’ve loved having this blog despite its lack of updates the past year or so. It’s been totally self-indulgent and no one reads it but being able to have some memories and photos from my four years in Sydney in one centralized spot has been great.

Also, as Amanda said, moving is pants.